I won't even bother discussing the fashions that sacheted down the runway yesterday at Marc Jacobs' Spring 2010 show. There were so many historic, era and style references present in this collection that I'm still dizzy from counting them all. I'm much more excited to break down the unmitigated disaster that is Jacobs' bag collection. Where do I begin? There's so much to dissect, ladies and gents. I'll start off gently and work my way toward the really heinous bags.
First up are the shoes. I normally don't mention footwear when reviewing collections, but I had to bring these 'things' to your attention. I'm fairly certain these are the most unflattering shoes ever. Are they meant for geisha, surfers, women with a warped sense of fashion? Who knows. What I do know is that they are horrid.
Moving on to what we're all truly interested in, I begin with the more mundane creations Marc Jacobs expects us to fawn over come spring.
These bags are OK, but nothing spectacular or otherwise appealing. The drawstring backpacks are of particular interest just because the collection is filled with them. Uh, Ooooookkkkkk!!!
Next up are these snakeskin clad evening bags with drawstring tops and zipper detailing. Who would use those design elements on an exotic bag? What a waste! I'm still dumbfounded by these choices.
How do you feel about these leather messenger bags featuring long, knotted side sashes and chandelier gems dangling along the edges of the fold-over flap tops? I know, there's no need to state the obvious. I don't get them either.
Let's throw some fanny packs in just for giggles, alright? I mean, we all need bags that accentuate our hips, midsection and match our pants too. I know I've been hoping someone would make a bag just like this for a very long time ;-)
Anyone in the mood for a large, metallic shoulder bag with chunky chain top handles and python trim? (This is a rhetorical question, by the way.)
Now for the most serious offenders. These awful bags, with their woven exteriors and snakeskin fringe accents, are gross, inexplicable attempts unworthy of Jacobs' proven talent. Let's just chalk these up to a drunken night of brainstorming, OK?
Finally, we come to the absolute worst of the bunch. These quilted, rivets-clad, tassel-embellished monstrosities are meant to be this collection's piéce de résistance. Yes, ladies, grown women are expected to walk around with what are sure to be expensive bags with multiple miniature tassels covering every inch of their exteriors. I think poor Marc, at some point, simply checked out of the creative process behind his Spring 2010 accessories collection. My advice to the rest of us, especially his devoted fans, is to do the same in protest.
Marc, darling, good luck with all that, I mean, this. Oh, whatever!